Oddly enough, the spam/scam entries seem to be my best traffic posts. Not sure what that means to my long-term blogging plans, but for the moment, it suits me well enough. Most of these come through my AOL account (which I don’t actually use for anything by IM anymore - same with Hotmail and Yahoo, BTW). That’s because the ones that get through Gmail’s filters are usually either image mail, which I refuse to unblock enough to see what they are, or vulgar, which I refuse to post.

Anyway, Rosalind recently got the death threat/extortion version, which is disturbing. I don’t know how I would take that, personally; it’s not like I know anyone who hates me that much, but the thought of it is creepy. At least I just keep getting the fraudulent fortune emails.

From: “rebekajames Gazeta.pl” rebekajames@gazeta.pl
To: rebekajames@gazeta.pl
Subject: Dear in the Lord,

Dear in the Lord,

:: blink, blink :: No one’s ever called me that before.

I am Mrs. Rebeka James a former muslem and been converted to Christian alongside my Late Husband, I am 54 Years Old Woman

Together they fight crime! Oh, wait…

and we have became more devoted in christianity for quite good number of years now but I am at this moment suffering with ( Esophageal Cancer )/breast and fibroid of the womb

Wow, that’s an…interesting ailment.

which has affected my health and after taking all type of medical treatment in other to find my self survives it still defiling that I will be only having some few Month to live, according to what the medical experts has observed in me.

…

Huh?

My Husband who is now Late was killed

Alas! If only he’d been on time…

during the September 19th 2002 political crisis.

The what?

My late Husband was the Chairman of the Contract Awarding Committee under Budgeting and Planning of our Country.

This is relevant how? Which country might that be?

Throughout the period of my marriage with him, all efforts to bear Children with him proved abortive because of my poor state of health and after his death issues,

Pesky things, aren’t they? Can’t even unsubscribe.

I inherited all his wealth ,with our abdopted son

Abdopted? You kidnapped him in order to adopt him?

by name (Timothy ) since he has no other next of kin

You only inherited because he had no other kin? How bizarre.

but it is now obvious that I may not survive my poor state of health .I have deemed it necessary to leave a legacy on Earth and give a positive account and justification of the life I lived on Earth before the Almighty God.This is what I want to achieve by committing this wealth in all Christian Societies or orphanages Homes / widows and the less privileged peoples around the Globe.I am meditating what may happen after death that is why I am taking this decision by giving this Money out to be use to accomplish the Almighty God’s Divine Marvelous work around the Globe because I highly believed that I will be with Him in his most perfect and the most peacefully place.

Okay, here’s where I get angry. Scams can be funny, mainly because the scammers don’t have a clue about the English language and don’t really know that they’re not saying what they think they are. This, though, is offensive. A true Christian does the work of God throughout his or her life. Waiting until one is about to die and throwing out money in a last-ditch attempt to buy one’s way into heaven is both stupid and pointless, and trying to steal from people by hiding behind a religion you don’t even understand, much less follow, is infuriating. How dare you prey upon people’s desire to be helpful and kind? Go back to preying on the greedy and criminal. Better yet, get a real job.

Note that this sum(US$ 7.5 Million) was secured and Deposited in one Security Company with my name by my Late Husband and all the related Documentation covering the Treasure Box are Highly intact with me as the Cobeneficiary of the Treasure.So on the receipt of your immediate response to me I will forward all the necessary Documents covering the Treasure Box were the Money is been packaged and sealed in the Treasure Box before Depositing it in the Security Company as to enable you open up your communication with them for the releasing of the Treasure Box to you as I cannot follow it up right now because of my illness condition.

Treasure Box. What is this, Pirates of the Caribbean? Yarr.

Wait a minute. :: collapses in giggles :: A political crisis on September 19, 2002? Surely not. I’m not sure I can believe someone so bad at English would get that.

Please Religion doesn’t matter in this divine project

Then why did you bring it up in the first place?

henceforth I put all my trust in you but do actualize my dreams with this Money for the sake of the Almighty God because My happiness is that I lived a life of a true devoted life worthy of emulation.

Then you don’t need a donation legacy. Besides, if you really had the rights to a significant amount of money, you could leave it to Christian charities in your will. That’s why wills exist.

Lastly, I honestly pray that when releasing the Treasure Box to you by the Security Company were the Money is been packaged and sealed it will be well judiciously used for the said purpose as the Almighty god has reviewed for humanitarian services and you should be aware that whoever that wants to serve Him must serve him in truth and in fairness.So Please always be prayerful all through your life in this Divine marvelous Work of the Almighty God.

You know, with as much Unnecessary Capitalization as you use, one would think you could reliably capitalize the name of God.

I wait to hear from you and be sure that all my dreams will rest squarely on your shoulders

You have square dreams? Mine tend to be more spiral-ey.

to be accomplish.Reach me immediately by this email address (rbkjms@voila.fr ) so that I can give you further details. Also provide me your direct tel/fax numbers to reach you .

If you were really trying to reach ME, and not just blasting this to everyone whose email addresses you can find, you’d already have a phone number for me.

Finaly, 50% of this mony will be for the work of God, while 35 % will be for our abdopted son which you will also help him to invest in your country, while 15 % Will be for you for your assistance.

Thanks once again.

Mrs. Rebeka James.

Interesting name for a Muslim-turned-Christian with email addresses in Poland and France.

Okay, that one spoiled my humor. I don’t know if I’ll be able to poke as much fun at the next two, but I’ll give it a try. The first of these included odd blue rectangles under the location names in the email. I’m not sure how or why, but it looked very odd.

From: “ibrahim usman” ibrahim_usman14@peru.com
Reply-To: ibrahim_usman004@yahoo.com
Subject: URGENT/ASSISTANT

FROM: MR IBRAHIM USMAN
AUDITING / ACCOUNTING DIRECTOR
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA(BOA)
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.

BOA is Bank of Africa now? That’s kind of funny.

My dear

…

This is supposed to be a business letter?

I am contacting you in regards to a business transfer of a huge sum of money from a deceased account.

That poor account. Was it a prolonged illness?

Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.

PROPOSITION; I discovered an abandant sum of $11.5M(Eleven Million Five Hundred thousand United states Dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family. Since his death, none of his next-of-kin or relations has come forward to lay claims to this money as the heir.

Well, if they’re all dead, they can hardly come forward, now can they? Unless they’re zombies. They probably just want your brain, though.

I cannot release the fund from his account unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines.

Are you telling me I’m related to zombies?

Upon this discovery,

Eureka! Either you haven’t been in banking long, or you’re remarkably incompetent.

I now seek your permission to have you stand as a next of kin to the deceased

I knew it. You are telling me I’m related to zombies. I think I’m a bit peeved.

as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me for the funds $11.5M(Eleven Million Five Hundred thousand United states Dollars)

In case I didn’t notice that the first time?

to be released in your favour as the beneficiary’s next of kin.It may interest you to note that I have secured from the probate an order of madamus to locate any of deceased beneficiaries.

:: sporfle :: Scouring all the graveyards, are you?

Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of my mutual business endeavour by

furnishing me with the following;
1. Your Full Names and Address.
2. Direct Telephone and Fax numbers.

Uh huh. You know, it’s not like a motivated individual couldn’t come up with answers to those questions with a little effort.

These requirements will enable me file a letter of claim to the appropriate departments for necessary approvals in your favour before the transfer can be made. I shall be compensating you with $4.6 Million Dollars on final conclusion of this project, while the rest $6.9Million shall be for me. Your share stays with you while the rest shall be for me for investment purposes in your
country.

Shady bankers. I’m supposed to trust someone who just told me he wants to commit fraud…?

If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not take undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you, I await your urgent email.
Regards,


Your;s faithfully,
MR IBRAHIM USMAN

Riiiiiiight. You’ll be waiting a long time, I’m thinking.

From: abbas saidou asaidou014@earthlink.net
Reply-To: abbas saidou abbassaidou@myway.com
Subject: Urgent Business Partnership.

Mr.Abbas Saidou
Bank Of Africa,
Ouagadougou,Burkina Faso.

Dear Friend,

I feel so special. Don’t you feel special?

This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however,it’s just my
urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this
transaction. I am a banker by profession from Burkina faso in west
Africa, and currently holding the post of Director Auditing and
Accounting unit of the bank.

Wait, I thought that was Ibrahim. How many Auditing Directors does your bank have?

I have the opportunity of transfering
the left over funds ($11.5M) Eleven Million Five Hundred Thousand
United State Dollars,

Just in case I can’t figure out what $11.5M means…

You really are looking for morons, aren’t you?

of one of my bank clients who died along with
his entire family on 31 july 2000 in a plane crash.You can confirm the
genuiness of the deceased death

Not to be confused with living death, or deceased life. Or something like that.

by clicking on this website below.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

Verification by random news article! Yes, let me tell you all about this famous artist guy I knew once, and prove it with a link to a sculpture from some museum somewhere.

:: eyeroll ::

Hence,I am inviting you for a business deal where this money can be
shared between us in the ratio of 60/30 while 10% will be mapped out
for expenses.If you agree to my business proposal.further details of
the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as I receive your return
mail.


have a great day.

Mr.Abbas Saidou.

Oh, so now instead of “join me in fraud” it’s “let’s make a business deal.” How helpful. Still not the way we do things here, Mr. Africa.