Except not. Look what I got in my inbox this time! I’m interspersing comments because I can’t help myself

From: gdmach@wideopenwest.com
Date: 2/25/2008 12:55:06 PM
Subject: DEPTCOCA’COLA AVENUE

Look! Hidden recipients - never a good sign - and what is up with that subject line? DEPT what?

THE COCA’COLA COMPANY
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
DEPTCOCA’COLA AVENUE
STAMFORD BRIDGE LONDON.
SW1V 3DW UNITED KINGDOM

Is there even a Coca-Cola Avenue in London? Why would they do that?

THE COCA’COLA COMPANY OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws

Draws? Not drawings? What are they, vampires? The only place I ever hear people talking about “draws” is at the hospital, when they take blood for samples.

held on the (5th Februrary, 2008) by Coca-Cola in onjunction

Hee! I don’t think there’s anything funnier I can say about that one, though I find myself wanting to make a Dark Crystal reference.

with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won L1,000,000.00 each on the PROMOTION.

Loser dollars? Or is this a British standard I just never saw before? I thought the £ was the only symbol used for British pounds. Oh, and seriously? Coca-Cola (it’s a dash, not an apostrophe, idiots) would never partner with a tobacco organization. It’s completely wrong for their public image.

However the results were released on the (25th Februrary, 2008) and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2006) and ballot number (BT:12052006/20) The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of 29,031 E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated
random computer search from the internet.

29,031? What in the world? First, that’s not very exclusive. Second, that’s a very odd number, in more ways than one. Third, “advanced automated random computer search from the internet”? Need a few more adjectives, buddy? I hear they’re on sale, cheap!

However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy.

However, I never sent you an email. However, you sent me this anyway. However, you clearly have no idea how to use the word “however.”

The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ)

Computerized email selection machine abbreviates to CESM, not TOPAZ. What is TOPAZ supposed to stand for, except a multipurpose gemstone?

from a database of over 50,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.

Over 50,000 email addresses? Didn’t you just tell me exclusively 29,031?

This Promotion is approved by the British Gaming Board and also licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR).This Promotion is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sensitize… :: dies laughing ::

In other to claim your £1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated bank?

Why are you asking me? Don’t you know?

However, you will have to fill the form below and send it to ANGLO IRISH BANK LONDON for verification and then you will be directed On how you will have your winning cheque of £1,000,000.00 Pounds.

You keep using that word. I do not think that word means what you think it means.

*Name of Beneficiary:———————

Me, apparently.

*Address:————————————

Ms. You could use Miss, but I prefer Ms.

*City/State:———————————

Rocket City/total amusement

*Nationality:——————————-

about half Scottish, half Polish, though there are dribs and dabs of English, German, and French in there.

*Country Of Residence:——————

I live in the city, not the country.

*Sex:——————————————

No, thanks.

*Email Address: —————————

… You send me an email to ask my email address?

*Tel: ——————————————

I’ll never Tel!

*Fax:——————————————

Just the Fax, ma’am.

*Occupation:——————————–

Everything!

*Next of Kin:——————————–

… Is that a threat?

*Age: —————————————–

Well-seasoned, but not over-done.

*Amount Won:—————————–

I never win anything… :: pouts ::

*Ticket Number: —————————

I wasn’t speeding! Honest!

* Ballot Number:—————————

Now you want my voting records? We have *secret* ballots here, dude!

I…………………………………HEREBY DECLARE THAT THE ABOVE DATA ARE TRUE AND IN CASE OF ANY UNFORSEEN CIRCUMSTANCES MY NEXT OF KIN HAS RIGHT TO CLAIM MY TOTAL WINNING.

I find this obsession with my next of kin a bit disturbing.

=====================================================================================================
Please you are advised to complete the form and send it immediately to ANGLO IRISH BANK LONDON through email or fax
for prompt collection of your fund from the designated bank.

(CONTACT ANGLO IRISH BANK LONDON)

Name: Mr. Walter Mike.
Phone: (+44) 701-113-3390, +44-701-112- 8836
Fax: (00-44) 870 -974- 1620
E mail: info_angloirishbnk12@yahoo.co.uk

Walter Mike - strange name. Funny; I’d expect sensitive stuff like this to be handled via snail mail. I’d also expect better English from a London bank, not to mention a website and a non-Yahoo email address.

=====================================================================================================
You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number.
(This is important as acase of double claims will not be entertained).

But they may be seriously entertaining! (I’m cracking myself up bigtime tonight…)

*Staff of Coca-Cola and the British American Tobacco Company are not
to partake in this Promotion.

Oh, they won’t, I’m sure, but it’s nice that you spelled Coca-Cola right this time. *Is* there a British American Tobacco Company? And “partake”? I’m all a-giggle; most “Promotion” companies don’t use King James English when modern English will do!

Accept my hearty congratulations once again!

For what?

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Rose Hills

Who? Is that supposed to be a pun? How are you supposed to be associated with all this, anyway? I thought Walter Mike was the one running this show.

Ah, well. I’m in an odd mood tonight, but then, last night I dreamed I was being chased around my house by an eight foot conifer. Or was it ten feet? I don’t remember. It was big, and it could run faster than I could. It would have gotten me, but the neighbors were in their driveway, and it decided to chase them instead of squashing me against my back door. I almost left them to it, but I figured I couldn’t be that mean; after all, I apparently bought the freaky thing knowing it was going to chase me home. I managed to convince it that it would rather put down roots in a nice sunny spot near the curb. I wonder if it’s at all related to the “We Recycle!” signs at work, with the overly-cheerful tree grinning at you with outflung branch-arms like it’s about to hug you…or strangle you.